I'm Back, But Not Back Back

Get me out of this red state.

It’s day four for me here in Tampa and given Florida’s recently enacted “shoot ‘em, ask questions later” gun policy, I’m thankful I’m still alive. My sister graduated from the University of South Florida on Saturday, and I came to sit through ninety minutes of name-calling before hers was announced. Hmmm…that makes me sound unsupportive. No, I am proud of her, and if anyone can offer her a job in finance, she’s ready to start working ASAP. I fell asleep during the ceremony, but that’s understandable because I felt tired on account of the three hours of sleep I had received. The night before, I went to my good friend B2’s (her nickname) Christmas party and pulled the party until it’s time to go to the airport thing. I left the party around 3:00 and sobered up in time to catch my 7:00 flight out of La Guardia. Thank goodness the transit strike had been delayed, but it’s a thorn in my side that I may encounter tomorrow. I’m prepared to handle the Brooklyn to Astor Place commute à pied if need be.
Tampa hasn’t been too bad. I had dinner with Minneapolis homeboy Danny K and his boyfriend Sunday night. Dan’s the state field director for the Jim Davis for Governor campaign. Send him love and money as he attempts to remove the fatter Bush from office.
Monday I saw BODIES...The Exhibition at the science museum here. All very fascinating, until I began to wonder from where all twenty-two bodies had derived. The certainty of their origin is sketchy, but the bodies are said to have been purchased from a northern Chinese medical school that obtained them from the unclaimed dead prisoners pool. Some of the bodies may even have been victims of unfair trials that resulted in unfair death penalties. There’s something fishy about the whole deal, but I’m too lazy to pursue it further. I wasn't too lazy though to read the comment books at the end of the exhibit and read that there are people in the world who believe that viewing a shriveled up, chemically preserved penis is completely inappropriate for someone under the age of 18. Let's teach the kids that penises and vaginas magically appear when one turns 18.
Tuesday found me in Orlando. What is it like to live in Orlando? Or Florida for that matter? In my few days here, I’ve gathered from residents and media reports that Florida is a haven for low-wage labor, high crime, increasingly suffocating traffic, and copious places where KIDS EAT FREE! I’m just being snobby as I write this so pay no attention to my Yankee mindset. I’m also bitter because my suggestion to see the Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede was soundly rejected. Anyway, people criticize New York, but other than the weather, why are people moving to Florida in droves? Anyone have an answer to this? FYI: Florida is close to overtaking New York as the third most populous state in the union if it hasn't already happened.
Later today I will return to New York and I’m looking forward to it. Freezing temperatures, transit strikes, and basic human survival, I welcome it. I may even welcome the raccoon, who last week, struck a second time. The critter unleashed a greater horror in that he ransacked much of the second story. Picture this–the kitchen looked like someone had positioned a wood chipper, then dumped our garbage in it. The raccoon sprayed the floor with shreds of garbage bag, corn, and a bunch of carrots. We now know how he is entering the house and are confident that the air conditioner that we have propped against the closet door will prevent him from future midnight snacking.